Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I have an on/off relationship with all of my light switches.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.