Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Do not mess with bears. You’ll be their victim. Yogi Bear wears clothes. Where did he get his clothes? That’s right – a victim