@AlmightyBored

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

@AlmightyBored

You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

@AlmightyBored

I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

@AlmightyBored

My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

@AlmightyBored

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

@AlmightyBored

During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

@AlmightyBored

I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.

@AlmightyBored

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

@AlmightyBored

I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

@AlmightyBored

What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?