My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?