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Page of AlmightyBored's best tweets

@AlmightyBored : You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.

@AlmightyBored: I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.

@AlmightyBored: My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.

@AlmightyBored: Stop saying I'm crazy. You're starting to sound like the waffle iron.

@AlmightyBored: During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.

@AlmightyBored: I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I'm making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I'm damn well getting credit for them.

@AlmightyBored: Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

@AlmightyBored: I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.

@AlmightyBored: What's the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?

@AlmightyBored: Her: We had our friend for dinner.

Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.

Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.