Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
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I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.