How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes
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You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.