According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
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Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!