Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
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They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*