What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
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unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
fixed it
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.