Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
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cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”