If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
You Might Also Like
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
So, can we agree on 4 or
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Same pineapple, same
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.