My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
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Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy