[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
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[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see