I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.