I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
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If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Cat is stressing him out.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles
1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit