I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“I’ll do it.”
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.