This may be my favorite dog video ever.
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You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Waiting for the Charmin
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic