@AmericanGent69

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

@AmericanGent69

“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”

*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…

@AmericanGent69

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME

@AmericanGent69

Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.

Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.

@AmericanGent69

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

@AmericanGent69

Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?

@AmericanGent69

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.

@AmericanGent69

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

@AmericanGent69

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

@AmericanGent69

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling