ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
You Might Also Like
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“