@AmishPornStar1

So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.

Apparently.

@AmishPornStar1

So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”

@AmishPornStar1

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

@AmishPornStar1

If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…

Maybe he’s not the only idiot.

@AmishPornStar1

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

@AmishPornStar1

Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?

Just me?

@AmishPornStar1

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

@AmishPornStar1

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?