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Page of AmishPornStar1's best tweets

@AmishPornStar1 : When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”...

You’re probably into some shady shit!

@AmishPornStar1: Wife: I swear, it's like you never even listen to me!!!

Me: Sounds great, Dear.

@AmishPornStar1: Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow

@AmishPornStar1: With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

@AmishPornStar1: "You want a BOOTH?!"

"I think I'm entitled to the BOOTH!"

"YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!"

~angry exchange at the Applebee's hostess stand

@AmishPornStar1: Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M's it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.

@AmishPornStar1: When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans...

Y’know, to buy myself some time.

@AmishPornStar1: Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?

Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se...I just really need the paychecks.