It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.
Her: On a Saturday night?
Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.