@AmishPornStar1

It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.

@AmishPornStar1

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

@AmishPornStar1

Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!

“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.

@AmishPornStar1

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

@AmishPornStar1

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

@AmishPornStar1

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

@AmishPornStar1

See ya later, alligator.

After a while, crocodile.

Catch ya mañana, little iguana.

@AmishPornStar1

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

@AmishPornStar1

“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”

@AmishPornStar1

Me: Ooh, I’d love to go to your party, but I have a dentist appointment.

Her: On a Saturday night?

Me: I’ve got really bad teeth.