[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
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WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
is it earth
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
nyc:
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room