Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
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The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Comparing yourself to others
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.