For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.
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The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
New comic up. “Ransom”
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.