People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
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Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.