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Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Best seat on the street 😍
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
I already tried new things thanks.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.