Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
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My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.