Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of AmnesiaRose's best tweets

@AmnesiaRose : How illegal is it to use your neighbor’s pool when they’re not home?

@AmnesiaRose: Fool me once: Nice I wasn't paying attention, good game.

Fool me twice: you know I smoke a lot of pot. This can't be very challenging for you.

@AmnesiaRose: Never judge a book by its cover unless it looks stupid.

@AmnesiaRose: Yes you impress me but so does a new set of windshield wipers.

@AmnesiaRose: "Now, tell me I'm pretty"

-me as a hypnotist

@AmnesiaRose: *knocks over the 17 Starbucks cups on her nightstand

*answers her alarm clock, "hello?"

@AmnesiaRose: I wish I had the confidence to
just randomly sit on people and start bathing myself like my cat does.

@AmnesiaRose: "You snooze, you lose."

-competitive insomniacs

@AmnesiaRose: Yes you impress me. But so does a squirrel crossing a telephone wire.

@AmnesiaRose: *gets stabbed

"Omg that knife was clean right??"