Fool me once: Nice I wasn’t paying attention, good game.
Fool me twice: you know I smoke a lot of pot. This can’t be very challenging for you.
Never judge a book by its cover unless it looks stupid.
Yes you impress me but so does a new set of windshield wipers.
“Now, tell me I’m pretty”
-me as a hypnotist
*knocks over the 17 Starbucks cups on her nightstand
*answers her alarm clock, “hello?”
I wish I had the confidence to
just randomly sit on people and start bathing myself like my cat does.
“You snooze, you lose.”
Yes you impress me. But so does a squirrel crossing a telephone wire.
“Omg that knife was clean right??”
My alarm is set to the sound of a heart monitor’s flatline so I startle awake every morning and think, “whew. Close call.”