There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
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I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me