There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
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Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.