Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
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My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don鈥檛 start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Whoever is stealing my socks – at least take both of them
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I鈥檝e lived here over
250 years and haven鈥檛 noticed anything strange.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
For those that worship cheese..
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 馃檨
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she鈥檚 really good.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C鈥檓on baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I鈥檓 trying! I don鈥檛 feel the remote anywhere.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Somebody鈥檚 lying.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I鈥檓 gonna take a nap
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.