I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
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Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Google Pay be like:
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.