Added some new forms of payment to this store…
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Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.