Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
You Might Also Like
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Breaking news:
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.