*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
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[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
thank god
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!