{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
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I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending