I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
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If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.