Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
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Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”