[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
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I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that