When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
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[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I need to update my racial profile.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
Discuss
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!