Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
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If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
me
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*