Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.

Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?

Me: It’s wrong.


Friend: What’s that you’re reading?

Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”

Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?

Me: $24.99.


Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.


Me: (takes a sip of my husband’s wine)

H: You wants me to pour you a glass?

Me: (takes another sip) No, I’m good.


Why does TJ Maxx have more than one World’s Best Mom mug for sale?


If I fall asleep before you, will you mark the last page I read, set my book aside, and turn out my light?

Husband: Absolutely. But what if I fall asleep before you?

Then just before I fall asleep I’ll wake you up.

Husband: That works.


Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m playing a matching game on my phone.

H: Why?

Me: To stave off my Alzheimer’s.

H: But you don’t have Alzheimer’s.

Me: Exactly. See how it’s working?


Husband, watching me eat ice cream straight from the carton: You uh … want a bowl for that?

Me: It’s IN a bowl.

Husband (wisely) backs out of the room.


Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.