Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
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Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Okay me first
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?