Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Me: (takes a sip of my husband’s wine)
H: You wants me to pour you a glass?
Me: (takes another sip) No, I’m good.
Why does TJ Maxx have more than one World’s Best Mom mug for sale?
If I fall asleep before you, will you mark the last page I read, set my book aside, and turn out my light?
Husband: Absolutely. But what if I fall asleep before you?
Then just before I fall asleep I’ll wake you up.
Husband: That works.
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m playing a matching game on my phone.
Me: To stave off my Alzheimer’s.
H: But you don’t have Alzheimer’s.
Me: Exactly. See how it’s working?
Husband, watching me eat ice cream straight from the carton: You uh … want a bowl for that?
Me: It’s IN a bowl.
Husband (wisely) backs out of the room.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.