me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
You Might Also Like
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*