Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
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Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”