DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
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Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.