Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
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Ugh
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday