Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
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The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Ha
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
Snapes on a plane.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities