We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
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A double negative is a big no-no.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.