Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
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police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
Got him!
If I’m ever possessed, I hope the demon remembers these curls need product to bounce.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.