Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
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Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”