Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
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I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.