GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.
[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?