I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
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obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
english majors be like furthermore
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay