Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
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[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.