Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
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“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
felt cute might bury dad later idk
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?