Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
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What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
O Wise One….
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once